wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
