oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
