Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
