Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
soo... how was my night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
