Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
