Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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