Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
