tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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