I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
