So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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