Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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