i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
