New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This baby is an asshole
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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