On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
