well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
