i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize