She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
