My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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