went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize