First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
