sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
