Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize