Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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