Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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