there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
