a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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