my mouth tastes like poor choices
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
