The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
