Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
