i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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