based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
