If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
