Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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