think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
