Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
