I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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