Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
