I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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