does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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