I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
