And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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