Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize