I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
