I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
