everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
