babies were throwing up all over the place
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize