I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
