you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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