An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
