Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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