38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
