were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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