Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
