A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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