I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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