I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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