just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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