they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
