I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
