Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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