you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
