i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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