well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
