New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Please don't give away my fajitas
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
