I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
