My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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