The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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